Out of Order
by Seriouslywut
Summary: I solemnly swore never to replace her. However, these intangible chains she has bound to my limbs are only preventing me from accomplishing anything. I must learn to forget about her, for she is gone forever, and I must accept that. Forgetting about her is the easy part, for the challenging part lies ahead. Click here to view more.


**Hello everyone. I have some sad news to share with you all. My old account, "HJamesPeirce" has been deactivated therefor I can no longer post any more chapters on, "Seasons Blow." sorry for the tragicnews. I figured I'd make up for it by wrighting a new story. Don't worry either, I'm not done with, "seasons blow" I will post a new story about that as well. Thank you and I apologize for the account loss. Enjoy my new book, "Out of Order."**

I convinced myself to never fall into loves succumbing embrace, and rather ignore it for the rest of eternity. I've developed a complex set of emotions containing mistrust, the one that made me socially awkward. With my lack of communication, comes great consequences such as, decaying vocabulary, introverted feelings for the speaker, self doubt, and the act of non reasoning. It drove me utterly mad to think I haven't recovered from this horrible ordeal, but I was never one to blame myself. However, it wasn't my fault for the cause thrown upon me, it was my fault for not standing up and being my old extrovert self. Conflicting thoughts soared throughout my head as I began to identify the consequences with decision making. I either sucked it up and continued life to the fullest, or sulk in the dark and shadows, forever portrayed as a monster. Inevitably, I chose the first option. However, the lack of willpower I had, as it has been exponentially decreasing throughout the months, was weighing me down, preventing me from being free. These intangible chains bound to my feet and limbs, held me in place, preventing me from accomplishing anything. If I had to pick one word that would sum up the way I felt as of now, it'd be heartbroken. Not even my most bittersweet memories could shatter the in-penetrable walls surrounding me in depression.

I gazed blankly at the clock, it's audible ticks reminding me of the time I had left to live. It's a scary thought nonetheless, our days are numbered no matter how you perceive it. Every life form on earth experiences the saddening ritual known as death. It is in this period; as portrayed by religion, you receive an enlightenment in which you later are transported to a world of infinite possibilities. Now keep in mind that all religions are different, for all of us can't stand agreeing with each other. It drives us inevitably angry and fuels our hatred towards one another, thus causing fights and breakouts and delaying the advancements of human civilization. As you can see, religion only slows our society down, now I'm not saying its bad thing either, religion is whatever people are into, and I respect that a hundred percent. Anyways, It is in this period that family members and friends sulk together in sadness for the loss of a beloved. I experienced death in sense, for the other half of me was shattered. It is up to my willingness to pick up those pieces and rebuild. However, I find it inevitably hard to do so. Love is a dangerous emotion and should be used upon wisely. I was one of the ones who fell for the trap, my life ended there. All this time watching the clock tick, only hypnotized me and drew me closer into the leaking depths of my tainted mind. Thoughts portrayed through my head, feelings of betrayal, and depression wash over me.

I take my gaze off the clock, shaking off the cold hearted memories that now consumed me. I close my eyes in hatred, sodium wet tears leak from my vision and coat my face as they drip down into puddles of sadness. Quickly, I regain the little strength I had left and forced myself to calm down. The thumping in my head was slowly receding. I fell backwards onto my worn out sheets. I fold my warm hands over my chest and proceed to dig deeper into the depths of my mind. I needed another topic to focus on, one that didn't require me to break down and cry. I retraced my mind over the few racing images that flashed through my head. My mind had set on a topic. I couldn't live like this no longer, I must change my ways and learn to forget. I just kept reminding myself it was all in the past.

I shot up out of my bed and stumbled, forgetting I was still a little disoriented. I sway to the right and left, regaining my balance. I took my first steps towards a new me. I practically dragged myself across the wall. I was in no mood for cleaning up my act, but it had to be done. I stumbled my way into the bathroom, hugging the sink. I almost looked injured to someone who was watching my act. I bow my head down, for fear of looking up at the monster I had become. I was frightened, all of the confidence I had just built, subsided. I cranked my neck upwards and looked at my reflection. The horrible markings upon my face protruding from my bagged eye lids. My untrimmed, bushy, blue feathers scattered along my toned body. I examine my body in disgust. My prolonged self torture has caused me to attain what most girls would call, a hot body. The size of my wings were gigantic and protective looking. However, these strikingly pleasant self attributes only made me hate myself more, for the cause of this was heart breaking. I remember walking home at night, crying in pure hatred. I'd throw my belongings across my room in agony. I dug my feathers deep into the wall and scratched my way through them. However, through my prolonged self torture I have attained a physical attractive appearance.

I begin to freshen up a bit, as I plan to head out for a while. My introverted self can't take society anymore, as I only plan to be out for an hour at the latest. After a long refreshing shower, I began to get dressed and ready. I had picked my attire and soon I was on my way. I creaked the door open slowly and let out an exasperated sigh, for it was quite chilly on this cold summer night. I quickly shut my door turning to lock it, when I heard small feet shuffling towards me. I instinctively turn my head round, my front still facing the door. I watch as the small blue figure obscured my peripheral vision. Now done locking the flimsy door, I turned my full attention towards the figure. I stopped dead in my tracks when I met her gaze. She was strikingly pretty, blue eyes, tall blue cress that seemed to resemble mine, and a nice warming smile plastered her face. I gaze at her blankly, the two of us not muttering a single word, which only added to the awkward factor. Eventually, she closed the awkward silence gap by speaking.

"Hello!" she extended her hand out, to which I avoided. I watched her hurt expression as she slowly lowered her hand. I pocketed my keys, my eyes never darting from hers. I gave up the introvert act and spoke up.

"Hey." My tone was emotionless, almost robotic in a sense. No emotion plastered my face, for I have lost my emotions long ago. I felt like a robot, never once experiencing true emotion. My dopamine levels have dropped exponentially since the disaster that ruined my life. Feeling my cold hard gaze, she began to gaze at her feet, she looked very intimidated. I decided to release the sulking expression and actually talk once, since I haven't talked to a human being in weeks. "So you just moved in here?" I ask her, noticing the boxes piled up near the doorway. She noticed my gaze and reluctantly turned around.

"Yes, I'm working on unpacking as of now, I figured I'd make a few friends." She said nonchalantly, with a hint of sarcasm. She seemed utterly hurt and lonely, I decided I would accompany her with unpacking. A friendly gesture might make her feel more welcome and less shy.

"Would you like help, you know, with unpacking?" I sympathetically replied. I proceeded to rub the back of my neck, a nervous feeling arousing within me.

"Seriously?" she asked with squinted eyes. She looked a bit shocked and rather happy towards my offering. She reluctantly replied, "Sure, I mean, if you're okay with that?" she folded her arms and nodded her head.

"Yea, I have nothing better to do anyways." I said, noticing there was no point for me to be outside.

"I don't have a lot of stuff to move either." she assured me. And so our unpacking extravaganza began. Some boxes were heavy, and others small and delicate. Noticing her struggle with the big boxes, I had to step in and help.

"Here." I said, taking the box out of her grasp. "Allow me." I smiled at her before walking off towards her apartment. I placed the box down with relative ease. Eventually, we had a system going, almost like a conveyor belt of sorts. She would pick up the boxes out of the truck, and I would transport them towards her apartment. The truck was halfway done when I noticed a bit of furniture collected in the back. I watched as she gazed back at the truck, a look of disgust and tiredness washes over her.

"I got it from here." I tell her broadly as I brushed past her. In my peripheral vision, I caught her smiling warmly at me, almost a look of gratitude and thanks. I stare at the large dresser in front of me, wondering where I should grasp it. I lifted the dresser up and over my head with ease and trudged my way towards her home. I don't mean to brag, but most of the furniture was light, at least to me. My strength has immensely improved since the accident that plunged me straight into depression. After setting down her large sofa, I release a victorious growl deep within my throat. I set up her apartment accordingly to how she wanted it And desperately was needing a break. I brushed my hands together and gave her a victorious smile.

"Thank you so much..." she stopped in her tracks, I stare blankly at her frozen expression in fear. "I don't believe I got your name?"

"Mordecai, my name is Mordecai." I replied with a heartfelt smile. Weird, I've never been this friendly to someone in months. It felt foreign to smile and communicate with someone.

"Nice to meet you Mordecai, my names Katy." she smiles back at me, a friendly smile plasters her face. I say her name to myself, almost relishing every letter of it. It was a pretty name nonetheless.

"Well I hope your stay at Pine Ridge is extravagant." I yell in a jubilant comical voice. I earned a successful giggle from her. It's been a while since I've made someone laugh. I began to revision the old times when I use to make Margaret laugh. Margaret... oh how I deeply miss her. The sad thing is I never got to say goodbye to her. I remember every detail of what happened that night.

I remember sitting on the couch, waiting for a phone call or a reassuring text to see if she was alright. A feeling of worry washes over me, as she if fifteen minutes past her said curfew. I look at the clock on my phone in panic. I stand up and begin to pace around in the living room, my hands rubbing my tired eye sockets. I deeply wanted her to hurry home for I was tired and needed her embrace. Feelings of worry begin to coarse through me as I began to shake uncontrollably. It is at that moment that I perceive an audible ringing noise. I gaze down, almost dolphin diving on top of my flimsy coffee table to reach my phone. Ignoring the caller ID, I pick up the phone, answering it. What happened next is the most shocking phone call I have ever gotten. I still have nightmares of this very moment. I listen intently to what I am hearing.

"Hello this is officer Pakinston, I have some sad news to tell you Mr. Mordecai Quintel." I feel my eye lids drooping, my whole body shutting down in fear.

"Your wife Margaret has passed away in a terrible car accident." I couldn't take it anymore, I let the darkness overcome me. My vision blurred and a nauseating feeling washes over me. My legs collapse onto the wood flooring, my body fell like a sack of potatoes. I let out a long painful cry, one that could potentially break glass. I began to curl up in a ball on the floor, crying. Never once did I withheld my tears after that moment. It was on the floor that I slept that night. I no longer wanted anything more than to just talk to my wife one last time. To hear her words, speaking to me, guiding me. Nonetheless she was my soulmate, my eternal lover in which I swore never to replace. She was my idol, my lover, the one I can call, honey. Never will I be able to kiss her warm small lips again. She has left this cruel world in the most tragic way possible. It pains me to think of her, to think of her now, watching over me. She probably is experiencing the same as me now, probably worse. She can no longer be with me, nor communicate for she has moved on to god knows where. It is her picture of which I keep in my wallet, to remind me that I was never alone. It reminds me of what was, a great life. To this day I look at her picture every day, sometimes calling her cell number to just listen to her sweet voice on voicemail. It is her that limits me, without her I am nobody but a hollow shell. I told myself everyday I couldn't live without her. However, when times are rough, I remind myself of what she would have wanted me to do. I know deep in her heart she wants me to let go. To let go of what we once had. The thing is, I can't. She wants me to explore life, to experience new things, to find another who loves me whole. However, I can never love again, for that part of me, has been shattered to pieces like a broken mirror. I know she feels selfish of my acts. I know she wants me to move on, to forget everything.

It is in this moment that I realize I am crying in front of Katy. A tear sheds down my face as I drown out the memories. I quickly wipe the tear away, as to destroy the evidence that I was, in fact, crying. However, Katy has a look of sympathy and pity towards me. I begin to wonder how long she was standing there. She walks over to me, a look of guilt washes over her face. She grabs my arm slowly. I pull back instinctively with a look of hatred towards her.

"What's wrong, Mordecai?" She asked, offended by my sudden rude gesture. I bury my face in my worn out hands, a headache begins to form. I back up against the wall. I let my legs slowly give out, dragging myself down the wall and onto the floor. I cradle my ached head in pain, the throbbing never stopping. I heard a soft thump next to me. My eyes were to buried deep in my arms to know who sat down next to me. I feel a reassuring arm rub my tensed back, however, this time I don't pull back. Instead, I let it happen. "What's wrong?" she repeats in her soft little voice. I start to hyperventilate from holding back the pained cries that wanted to escape through my vocal chords. I look up at her slowly. Warm caring eyes drilled through my soul. She actually cared. She actually cared about my feelings. A feeling of disbelief washes over me as I began to devote all the negative reasons for her not to care for me. "You can tell me." she says in a low whisper.

"I'm sorry, I just remembered." I began, I was unable to get out more words for I was heartbroken.

"Remember what?" she asked me with her caring sweet little voice.

"The accident." I managed to get out. The words piercing through me like a dart. My heart sinks to the bottom of my chest. I felt horrible for letting her see me like this. I felt unmanageable of my emotions and actions.

"The accident?" she questions me with a curious glance.

"She... My wife." I began through small whimpers, "Passed away three months ago... car accident." the words hurt to say out loud. My grammatical vocabulary was decaying by my troubled sobs, preventing me from talking. I hope she got the point because I was not going to repeat it, ever. I turn my saddened gaze towards her. Her face is lit up with sympathy, as she proceeds to rub my back reassuringly. I watched as her eyes began to water. I felt guilty for making her sad, for it was none of her business to begin with.

"I'm... I'm so sorry." She stated, it was then that she let out a small whimper. "I'm sorry I just hate seeing you like this." she began, "I want to make you feel better but I don't know how." she whimpered.

"Just your presence comforting me... makes me feel better." I reassured her, a feeling of happiness washes over me as I stare into her forever ending blue eyes. Her eyes were a slight shade of aqua blue, almost like sapphire. Nonetheless, I was caught in her full attention, forever hypnotized by her beauty. Realizing I was betraying my wife's love, I glanced away from her saddened look. She stopped rubbing my back and proceeded to get up and off of the floor. She turns around, extending her warm hand towards mine. I grab it with gratitude as she helps pull me up. My legs, now fully functional, we're able to walk around.

"Remember, anytime of the day you need me, you know where to find me." she reassured, putting her hand on my shoulder. I grabbed her outstretched arm, pulling her into an embrace.

"Thank you." I mutter from under my breath, barely audible for her to hear.

"Anytime." she replied back still holding me. We both let go reluctantly from each others grasp and blankly gazed at each other. "So I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" she lets out a small yawn, signaling she was very tied. I don't blame her, moving heavy boxes can really ware you out.

"Yea." I smile wiping the dried tears from my cheeks. I let out a loud sigh before turning towards her door.

"I uhhh... thank you, Mordecai again for helping me with all this, it's very sweet of you." she thanked me. I opened the door.

"No problem." I turn my head waving to her as I walked out into the cold summer night air. I began to contemplate on my way back from her apartment what happened in the last thirty minutes I was there. It odd how m emotionless introvert self was able to let it all out. I felt reassured, almost like someone cared about my feelings. My mind darted back to the blue crested blue jay that I was conversing with. She seemed nice and caring, utterly pretty to. I mentally slapped myself for thinking that about her, for my heart belonged only to Margaret. I hadn't moved on yet. I needed help and fast.

**Well, there you go. I know this chapter was probably very boring but I had fun writing it, and I hope you have as much joy reading it. Thank you for following this story or reviewing it, as it fuels me to write more stories. Thanks again, James Peirce.**


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